FROM: A Man
TO: Men
CC: Women
RE: Last Days of Man on Earth

Men, I won’t dance around it: I’ve got some bad news.

I know some of you were really looking forward to this weekend. Sleeping in until 9:30, doing some yard work, maybe getting a little golf in. If you weren’t looking forward to the weekend, maybe you were looking forward to retirement, or Mad Men coming back on the air or something. I don’t watch Mad Men because I think that show looks really really gay.

The point is, you’ve been looking forward to the future. We all have.

I’m afraid the future is cancelled, guys. A sex ape holding a shotgun just told me.

Look, don’t blame me. I was looking forward to the future too- you all know how important sports are to me, and I’d really like to keep up with all of my favorite teams. Well, all those awesome sports plans are in the fucking dumpster now that the future is cancelled. I’m crossing my fingers that the sex ape is a sports guy, but with my shitty luck probably not.

Also, if you were thinking about starting a family, you just rolled a big ol’ snake eyes in that department now that the future is cancelled. All of the women will kept in glass orbs by the sex ape, and they’ll either be placidly confused or sort of smiling and into it. Either way, no more pussy for us.

Feel free to make today a half day I guess, but most of the city is on fire and falling down so I don’t even know where we’ll go get beers. (WTF?)

Anyways, just giving you guys the heads up. Maybe we can have a future next quarter.

Later, fags.

-A Man

(Source: monsterman)